You know what I just realized? I never finished my list of "favorite photography blogs" I had promised you all. I had every intention of working last week...even though it was the kids spring break and we headed out of town. I was convinced I would blog (and finish my taxes..ha!) during our relaxing vacation...and I didn't do either...but I did relax a little...well, as much as you can relax when you are on vacation with three kids and no husband...and a sweet Mom who came with us despite her strong desire to "stay at home". It was a true test of patience...and I think I failed. Most of my readers know the challenges we are facing with my Mom and her declining health...or should I say mental status. She forgets so much...and ask so many questions that I have just answered. If she were my child, I would have yelled at her for asking the same question over and over...but she is not my child...she is the person that always made everything better...the one that had all the answers and could do anything. And now...she is becoming like my child. It was sad to watch...but I am forever grateful that she came with us on this little trip. These are the memories I will cherish. I'm also embarrassed to admit how often I found myself getting irritated with her and wanting her to remember what we did an hour ago...or hoping she would remember that some of the family members that she constantly ask about had died over twenty years ago. Having to tell her over and over that they had passed away was heart breaking...I could see her embarrassment in asking..and then an hour later she would bring them up again...and wonder how they were doing..and if I ever hear from them on "space book". Yep...she calls it space book.
Why am I here telling you this?
I feel like you are my friends I guess. The ones who will listen and not judge...but do you judge me? Don't we all "judge" each other?
I think that's why so many of us keep everything inside...because of the fear of others finding out that our life isn't so perfect.
The fear that someone will know that our child needs to take medication in order to get a good report at school that day.
The fear that someone will know that we don't always love our life...and that sometimes we don't even like our own children...that's a hard one to admit...and no one would ever say it...because what would others think? We all have the feelings of "how will I do this one more day without losing it" and then, thankfully, we wake up the next day and realize how lucky we really are. But we feel ashamed of our feelings. Why? Probably because everyone you see looks happy and when you read their blogs or facebook status, they will tell you how completely fabulous their life is...it's all wonderful and their kids are perfect and their husband is absolutely the best!
Really?? Let's be honest...is everybody really that perfect?
I think it's depressing to see the perfection and not see what's underneath it all.
I wish we could all be honest about our lives and quite trying to make it all look so perfect.
This is life...we have kids that might drive us crazy, or we might cry ourselves to sleep every night because we would do anything to have a child. We might be from somewhere we are ashamed of...we might not have had a fancy house growing up or have had parents who loved us...or we might be from a family where we were adored and it all felt perfect...and we know how lucky we are. But faking the perfection isn't the way to achieve the happy life.
I think everyone being honest is the best way to achieve happiness in our life and in our work.
I know it's incredibly hard not to compare yourself to other photographers out there...but be honest about who you are.
Thank you for sharing this!! My mother is in the early stages of dementia/alzeheimers and I have felt all the feelings you describe. I hate myself for getting aggravated, but we have to remind ourselves we are human, and it doesn't mean we love them any less. It's hard to admit things aren't perfect all the time, just wanted to thank you for putting in writing what I feel way too often!
ReplyDeleteSo true. Easier said than done sometimes, but sometimes you've gotta put your blinders on and just keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteThank you Cat!
ReplyDeleteThat was awesome.
ReplyDeleteWow...this post blew me away! I am so impressed and humbled by your honesty and candidness. I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time with your mother. I lost my mother suddenly and it was horrific, but it was over in a moment, I can't imagine losing her the way you are...a little at a time. I think you need to cut yourself a little slack--it's only human to lose your patience or wish for something to be different. That's honest..that's real. Try to enjoy every moment you have with her--even the difficult ones. Because one day those will be cherished moments.
ReplyDeleteI love the honesty, I don't try to hide my flaws and my life is not even close to perfect. Hats off to you for willingly showing it and big hugs :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for being honest! So sorry for your struggles...but reading them give me strength to go forward and know I am not alone... Bless you and sending prayers it gets easier for you =)
ReplyDeleteThank you for being honest. I feel that way at times. Sometimes life seems so hard and then some days I wonder why I was even worried at all. I hate what your mom is going through. I can't imagine what you must be dealing with. I hope it gets easier for you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Marsha <3 Do you have any idea how many people (myself included) you have helped by sharing this post? Your honestly and sincerity are so refreshing. You are an incredible person, and have a life full of joy and blessings. Thank you for sharing some of your not-so-perfect-ness and perfectly normal thoughts and feelings. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteOh Marsha <3 Do you have any idea how many people (myself included) you have helped by sharing this? In our world of beautiful pictures, Pinterest, and dreamy blogs, I think it's easy to feel down about our own not-perfectly-perfect lives. You are such good friend to all of us. Huge hugs!
ReplyDeleteSuch a great post,honest, truthful and normal !
ReplyDeleteMy lovely dad was diagnosed with alzheimers/dementia, almost 12 years ago now at the young age of 56, so I know exactly how you are feeling when at the start you think they are joking when they have asked you ten times what was it that you needed at the supermarket !! unless you are a saint, which very few of us, it is very normal to get aggitated by it all, and to occcassionally shout, or take it out on the kids because it is super stressful trying to deal with it all. I do however look back and am greatful for the times my dad was still able to walk and talk and smile and laugh, and even though I probably walked him up the aisle on my wedding day he was there.
Cut yourself some slack, its a long road, and there will happy times and some very sad ones, but for now you are doing the best you can. Its a terrible illness, ( they call it the slow death)and I am sending you hugs for the hard times.
Dawn x
My dad was in an accident and suffered a brain injury back in February. I know all too well about those repeated conversations. It's so hard to watch someone who has always been in charge be the one you suddenly need to be in charge of. He's come a very long way. I'll keep your family in my prayers, Marsha. Such a touching post.
ReplyDeleteExactly! I try so hard to stick with the ugly truth on my blog without going into the "too much info" category. That has been HARD with what I've been through the last year {cheating spouse, divorce, a frantic job search, wellfare, etc.}, but I do it for reasons like you. Life isn't perfect, and my little world is FAR from it, and sometimes I start to feel bad looking at the hundreds of professional family shots on blogs with moms AND dads in them, and my heart breaks for my son. THEN, I remember that there MUST be other single mommy's like me struggling each day, and I'm compelled to show them just how I do it...
ReplyDeleteI hate the term "stay strong", so I won't say that to you. Just know you are not alone in your fight with your mother {or your thoughts}. I went through it five years ago with my grandpa {who was more like my dad growing up}. Your heart is breaking for so many reasons and on so many levels. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to cry and lash out. No one is perfect...you're so right...
So beautifully written. And who says what normal is anyway. Normal and perfect is all different for every individual. (thank goodness!!)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that and for your honesty! I feel the same way and try to be as real as possible...which can be hard at times but I know its the right thing to do. I feel if we are "real" it gives others "permission" to do the same.
ReplyDeleteThis post truly touches me. I love your honesty and am sorry about what you are going through with your mother. I hope you know that we are rooting for you. You aren't "just" a blogger, you are a REAL person! And people connect with REAL people, going through REAL challenges. Hang in there and thank you for this well-written reflection of what life is all about: enduring, succeeding, failing, and trying to make the best of whatever comes our way!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post!! We all have things we are dealing with...I love the saying that you "don't know what someone is going through until you walk in their shoes" So true!
ReplyDeletei love this post! i lost my grand father a couple years ago now and similar dementia was involved. i remember those moments of sadness and frustration from the questions and the forgetfulness. seeing that same look on his face as an hour ago when I had to repeat that something bad had happened. actually - at some point - i decided it wasnt worth it and stopped telling him the bad things. i started telling him - they were fine, and had said hello yesterday. the smile made it worth the lie :) i guess what i am saying is something it sounds like you already know and do - hang in there for the smiles. oh, and i have been reading a lot recently that gluten free is supposed to greatly help taper the symptoms of alzheimers and dementia - something i wish I knew a few years ago!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty. I also feel like I am living in super perfect blog land and keeping up can be hard work !! I don't have a perfect house, a clean car, a perfectly charming or helpful husband, my kids have issues, I try hard but there is only so much I can do every day but OMG I keep trying! Thank you for tling it as it is and keeping it real!!
ReplyDeleteAwesome post! It must be very hard for you. I'm sure I would have lost it if I were in your shoes. Just do the best you can! And if you do crack and end up yelling at your mom, chances are she may not remember it, even though you will. Remember though, you're dealing with a lot, so try not to be so hard on yourself. Maybe we should all have one day a week when we can just let it all hang out!
ReplyDeleteI often feel depressed just because other people I know, whether it be neighbors or friends on Facebook show this facade of a perfect, happy life. I tell myself that they can't be that happy, I mean everyone has struggles. Then of course, I try to do the same things at times, only because I don't want to come off as a complainer. It would be nice if we were really free to just let it all out once in a while. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one whose husband doesn't really support my photography. Because all I hear is how incredible everyone else's husband is. I know I can't be the only one though. Keep your chin up!
I appreciate your post, it struck a cord with me, surprisingly.... And I'm thankful you could share your thoughts so openly. My mom has suffered from bipolar, social and panic anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember. Although I didn't know anything was out of the ordinary growing up until I was older and saw that hiding in your room when the doorbell rang wasn't common among everyone. (just one of the many things that we've just dealt with over the years). However, it's only been recently that things have gone from bad to worse, and she doesn't even know she's mentally unstable. It's so sad to see that to her, the most illogical actions seem to be the best decision to make. Thank you for sharing, as I it can't be easy for you.
ReplyDeleteAppreciate your sharing, so true, guilty of this myself
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful! Thank you for that. Would you believe I woke up this morning thinking about this exact thing as it relates to photography? To log in and read this was like it was written just for me! As much as I try not to compare myself to others, it's inevitable. I read so much information about how to run a business, how to market - and I've spent hundreds of dollars on workshops and webinars to learn these same things and you know what? I'm booking fewer clients and making less money than I was a year ago when I was doing it all my own way - even though it wasn't the "right" way. Man, if that doesn't teach me the lesson of staying true to myself, I don't know what does! I enjoyed my work, my family and my life more a year ago too. Time for a change. Thank you for reminding me to be me, not try to do things just like someone else.
ReplyDeleteWOW! Thanks Marsha! I needed this! More than you will ever know!
ReplyDeleteSonya
My heart did a flip flop, when I saw your post.. I have walked the journey you are walking with your mom.. with BOTH, my mom and dad..and it IS a journey..The feelings you are going thru,and will go thru, are a roller coaster. You'll go thru all the stages of grief... as you watch her decline.. please KNOW that all these feelings you are having NOW.. and the ones that will hit you as you go... are ALL NORMAL!! please don't beat yourself up...It's what happens as you watch your loved one.. your MOM.. disappear in front of you. There is a reason they call Alzheimer's.. "The long goodbye" because it is...
ReplyDeleteI am coming up on the one year anniversary of my dad's passing...my mom died about 2 years ago. It was about a 10 yr journey of grief..It is so hard to go thru... and I know for me.. my life will never be the same.
Being the "sandwich" generation, and becoming our parents, parents... is such a hard deal.. I STRONGLY encourage you to get some support, and help for the days you'll need it...and use this blog, when you need it.. or start another tab on it...for your Alzheimer's journey.. it can be/will be a great tool for you.. and for the countless others that you will touch...
Try to cherish each day...hug your mom when you can... Understand what is happening to her.. and you...and let the grief come... and know that it is ok.. You are stronger then you know..
<<>>
a great tool for help, support.. ideas...and questions...
http://www.alzfdn.org/
Marsha....
ReplyDeleteYou are one very wise woman. :) I am sorry that your mom is decling and that you have to see her like this. I can't imagine.... I admire your honesty and rawness in this post and am grateful for it.
You keep being as amazingly imperfect as you are! I sure wish we lived closer...
Love and blessings... Sarah
I am SO glad I clicked to read your story. First, I have worked in a long-term care facility for the last 10 years and I deal with many alzheimer's patients. It is one of the saddest and hardest things to see happen and my heart aches for you and your family. Patience. Yes it takes a lot of that. But nobody can be perfect and just do the best you can. Remember the good times and still enjoy every second of each day with her. I wish I could give you a big hug!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, as a photographer. And a mom to 5 kids. I have shyed away from FB these days because all I see is people's drama, or the "perfect" life everyone likes to depict. I am happy with my life, but it is far from picture perfect. I privately go through personal things in my life and I have felt many of the things you have mentioned above!! I like to be real about myself and my life, and if I am having the most terrible day in the world, with my kids driving me crazy or an argument with my husband, or if I am feeling older and out of the loop or unattractive and a few pounds overweight... you wont see me running to blog or post how AMAZING my hubby is and how perfect life is! (not saying my hubby isn't amazing at times!) But it IS great to see others being real and honest with their LIFE. It makes us all feel a little more human to know there are struggles, imperfections, and true feelings... Thank you so much Marsha sharing the REAL you! :)
Thank you for the wonderful post. I have yet to struggle with caring for my parents but I can only imagine the struggle and difficulties that adds to a life already busy with the challenges of taking care of your children, husband, business, etc. I try each day not to compare myself to others....usually not with much success. It is always a weakness. I am envious of how beautiful your blog is and how often you post and how well you write and think how am I so incapable of doing this!!! So you are not alone and I so appreciate your willingness to express how all of us are feeling. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteMelanie
What an important post! No, I don't judge you. I can't. It isn't as though you've done horrible things. You're human, you react. And it is a hard thing to watch a parent go through this. So hard. I give you so much credit for taking care of her. A little impatience is nothing, and the blessing of it all is, she probably won't recall that you got a little irritated. I wish you all the best in this difficult journey.
ReplyDeleteOh my, I am so glad I read this post, & many of the replies. I too sometimes feel I am so out of this "perfect blog land" & all photographers have a booming successful business.... I have been in photography for over 20 years, in fact, apart from bringing up my children now 11 & 6 it is all I have ever done. I went to college & stayed in this soul destroying yet amazing rewarding career & have now at the age of 42 decided to start out on my own. I have had all my stationary designed & printed, set up a "space book" page & had a website designed (if you get time to look :www.Evoke imagery.co.uk). I have decided to try to specialize in maternity & newborn, have managed to get my cards in the local hospitals ante natal clinic, & done many free sessions, to try to perfect... all the clients I have done for free are overwhelmed & so grateful. They love the images I have created for them, I know I can do this. But I am not hearing the phone ring, I don't get enquiries, I can't figure out what I am doing wrong. Sometimes life hits you hard & it is a struggle to go on but we do have an inner strength & a very wise lady once told me "we are never sent anything we can't cope with. So please when you have time keep writing, you are an inspiration to us all. My life is not perfect either, but when there is a moment that is...enjoy ! xx
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