Monday, September 26, 2011

my sweet Mama

{UPDATE: Monday, October 3rd
I am so touched by the wonderful kind words and prayers from you all ~ Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I'm not sure what to post yet so I'm not posting anything for right now...I can tell you they have narrowed it down to either Early Cognitive Impairment or Alzheimer's...so it doesn't sound good but it also isn't something that I have to rush home for. We are leaving Japan next month and I will be there with her soon. I'm so thankful we are heading home soon...being here is getting harder each day.
Thank you all so much for the amazing love you have shown me! I am truly blessed!}
***

Monday, September 26th
I am staring at my keyboard wondering what to write. 
I need to write about something photography related...that's why you come here, to read about other photographers, learn about how they market...blah, blah...that's I feel about it right now. I have no desire to help you be inspired right now~ how's that for being honest. My mind is racing with so much right now...the wondering of what is next in my life. I am blessed beyond belief with three healthy children and a loving husband. I am also feeling like the world is about to slip out from under me. The words ring in my head...has Mom's doctor called you yet?... it sounds bad...they did an MRI...Alzheimer's...brain tumor...don't know anything yet...shit! Yep...I have never cursed here...but that's all I can say to sum up what I'm feeling. I have never felt so far away in my life! Across the whole damn globe and I can do nothing! All of her children live far away...Houston, Arizona and Japan...no one is there with her. I feel like we have abandoned her. I know we all have lives and jobs that have taken us away from our hometown...but how is she feeling right now...is she as scared as we are? I can't even ask her because she doesn't even know what's truly going on.


I wish I knew what to pray for...what do I ask God for? 


I'm here talking to you...hoping you will understand my need silence here on the blog. I don't want to think about how much I'm letting you down by not writing...you see,  I struggle so much with letting others down. When I don't write something here, I have such guilt. I honestly do think you will be mad or disappointed in me...I hope you are not. I hope you understand. I know you understand because we are all a child of a parent that we love and can't imagine life without them or a life taking care of them...seeing them in a way that breaks our heart. 
Thank you for listening. My husband is gone for the month and not here to comfort and dry my tears...I needed desperately to talk and even if no one listened, I still got to talk. 
I hope you hear from me tomorrow with a post about how relieved we are that it was nothing to worry about...that suddenly she remembers how to find her way in this world and can do the things she could do before she was "confused". I hope...I hope...I pray...I cry...I have to believe everything will be ok again.


I love you Mom...all the way from Japan and back.

52 comments:

  1. You are entitled to feel the way you are feeling. You are letting us down. God is Good.... ALL the time. He already knows what your questions are. Just be silent and he will lead you. Thinking of you and adding you and your family into our prayers.

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  2. (((((Marsha))))) I can imagine how you are feeling right now and just want you to know that I am praying you get the answers you seek and hope for soon. It's hard to watch our parents go through things, whether we are near or far, but being far away makes it that much more difficult. I am believing right there with you that everything will be ok again! Thinking of you....

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  3. Marsha, I pray that your mom is okay! It must be terribly difficult to be so far away and feel so helpless. Don't worry about your readers...we love you and your blog whether you're posting every day or every other week. Please let go of the guilt! ((HUGS!))

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  4. Sending love from Atlanta, GA, and all the best for your Mom and family. It's so hard watching our parents age. You are completely just in your feelings and your desire to do whatever is best for you.

    PS: I would read your blog even if you only posted once a month, every other month, or twice a year. And even if was about a tumbleweed of dust you found under your bed.

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  5. Please know that whilst you sit there in Japan struggling with the distance from your mum and the loneliness of your husband being away. I am here and thinking of you and praying for you in my own little way after reading your post. Life can be so hard sometimes and we wonder why things happen the way they do, how do we end up in situations or places far from where we call home and at the times we need to be there the most, amongst the security of our loved ones. I don't have any wise words to help comfort you other than know that I am here thinking of you as I prepare for sleep. I am praying for your beautiful mum, and for your family in the hope that you will all be together soon.
    Try and rest tonight, tomorrow is a new day.
    Regards,
    Cathy

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  6. Sarah Stevens- Cellar DesignsSeptember 26, 2011 at 7:48 AM

    To even think for a second that you are letting anyone down is simply crazy. Do not give it another thought!
    What you are doing is loving your mama. That is exactly what you need to be doing. This is about perspective and perspective is something that is important to a photographer or artist. Your eye is lead by your heart. Don't apologize for loving someone so much you lose sight of the things that don't matter as much. :)
    I will be praying for her and your family Marsha. I will pray that you feel God embracing you and holding you all up as you go navigate this.
    Love from across the globe!!!

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  7. The question you asked What do I ask God for? You ask for strength, peace, and to take the scare away. You also hand it completely over to him and trust him with it.
    I just did all this as I just lost my two precious twin baby girls. They shared a heart. When I was pregnant with them I asked for all of those things. I asked for a miracle and then I let it go and trusted him fully and never questioned. We got our miracle we spent 12 beautiful days with them. We were told they would never make it to birth.
    I am telling you a little of my story b/c if you ask God for exactly what you want and then the strength to get through it. You might not get exactly what you want but he will provide. He will give you strength you never new you had and most importantly since your hubby is gone God will make you feel comforted, just ask for it.

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  8. we all appreciate you so much... you have shared a piece of yourself with us today by being so honest, and that is more than 100 posts about photography could do :). i was 1500 miles away from my mom as she dealt with lymphoma, so i can sympathize with what you are going through, though i know all situations are different (and there are more miles for you)... sometimes life is crappy crazy hard, but have faith that pain does make us stronger and develops us in ways that nothing else could. and then we help others. i know there aren't really words to make you feel better, and hopefully the news comes back that this is nothing!! even though we don't always know what the heck He is doing, God is in control. saying a prayer for you this morning.

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  9. Oh no! I'll definitely say a prayer for her health and well being. Hopefully, whatever ails her is soon remedied. Hang in there, and we'll be here whenever you're ready.

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  10. I feel your pain...My mother was just diagnosed with brain cancer two days ago. My world has turned upside down.

    I'll pray for you and your family.

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  11. wow, so hard! as a fellow navy wife, i understand how helpless it is to be so far from home. we are praying for you and your family, for patience and strength and peace. and i agree with the other ladies, i love your blog no matter how often you update so keep up the AWESOME work!

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  12. I do not know you, I got your post through a friend. I have never read your blog, simply because I never knew it existed but to think you are letting anyone down and feeling guilty for not writing something photography related..thats nuts! You are human like everyone else and we all have our life situations when we need to speak straight from the heart strings. Reading your post here brought tears to my eyes. Although I am over 2000 miles from my parents I can only imagine how you are feeling. I pray that God surrounds you and your family with loving family and friends I pray that God gives the dr's wisdom to properly care for your mom. May God give your family peace and comfort. ...ps.. I'm gonna keep up on your blog now!! ;)

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  13. Let it out! This blog is an outlet. An outlet for you to let the world know how you are feeling, and we as readers(and fellow bloggers), respect that. You are entitled to feel what you are feeling, and all though I can't say I know how you are feeling, I will send you my thoughts and prayers. And I hope that everyday things get a little easier knowing that many people are behind you and support you!

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  14. You are amazing. Your mother knows that you love her.

    It takes guts to put your real feelings out there, and God Bless you for doing it.

    Your mom has a conference call of prayer straight to God! :) Can you imagine all the prayers being lifted up on her and your behalf? We'll all be keeping her & you and your family in our prayers!

    Keep your head up and know, there's never any reason to hide your true feelings from us. What is it that makes you stand out in a world of bloggers & business owners. YOU. WHO you ARE, YOUR LIFE. Thank you for sharing it!

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  15. My Dad suffers from Alzheimers and when I think about if my mom had it Im sad to say it would be worse on me. She is caring for him but it's so hard to watch them slowly leave you mentally.
    Big hugs that you will have answers soon and peace in your heart.
    xoxo

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  16. Oh Marsha...My prayers are with you, your "Mama" & family. Gods arms reach as far as the east is from the west...He is holding you all. My prayer is that you find comfort in trusting Him.
    Love, Lara

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  17. Fortunately, you have more listening ears than you could imagine...right here! I know the place you're in personally is so hard right now, but just continue to trust and know that Jesus is THE ULTIMATE PHYSICIAN as well as the ultimate listener and Father and as long as you have the faith that He will be in control...you are doing what you can from where you are. You aren't alone and neither is your mother!

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  18. Bless you for your courageous honesty. And, I'd personally be content looking at previous posts for the next year. My family will be praying for you and for your mom. Amongst all the confusion and heartache, I pray the Prince of Peace will flood your heart with love, strength, and wise direction...

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  19. {{{{hugs}}}}} to a very special person with a *very* special mama! We're all rooting for you and please feel free to keep it real anytime, M!
    xoxo,
    C

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  20. I struggled when my grandfather was ill and I was on the opposite coast. I cannot imagine your emotions being so far away. Lots of love and prayers going out to you and your mama while you wait. As for us, the blog, we will still be right here when you get back, no worries.

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  21. I never comment on posts but oh so feel your pain and wanted you to know not for a moment are you disappointing anyone. Hug you loved ones, take the time you need to process the information and know at the end of the day that you are enough!!! I'm so sorry you are so far away from your parent. This reality is so real to so many of us with aging parents and living so far away. I wish I could give you a hug because I know this all to well!

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  22. Sending you and your mom prayers from California. I hope all the results come out normal.

    Being in the medical field, I have to ask, did she fall maybe and hit her head? Maybe concusion or signs of stroke? Then they could give her medicine if sign of stroke to prevent a bad stroke. Or maybe she fainted or had seizure sometimes it leaves a slight memory loss. Hopefully it's not alzheimer which I know is one of your concerns. I'm so sorry you are so far away, hopefully you can be by her side as I'm sure that would make you feel so much better.

    I will keep praying for you and I'm not sure where your mom lives but if she's in southern CA I can help even to clean if you need me to. Sometimes even a little bit helps.

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  23. When you don't know what to pray for you, you just pray. God will fill in the rest. In the meantime, I'm praying for you and your mom. Prayers for your mom's health, healing, comfort, and peace. Prayers for you as you sit so far away feeling helpless - prayers for peace, prayers that you will feel God's arms wrapped around you, prayers that you will be released from guilt of not posting and not being by your mom's side.

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  24. I agree, you are entitled to feel how you feel! It's ok to just not want to inspire people all the time. Its ok to give yourself a break!

    Believe it or not I know how you feel. I have had TWO close, immediate family members suffer from Alzheimer's. Both for VERY long periods of time. (Not trying to be discouraging, just honest). And directly cared for one for years. Its hard. And usually long. Some times the biggest help is just knowing you aren't the only one dealing with whatever it is. So, don't worry you aren't the only one! Keep us updated! Just venting your feelings can help!

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  25. Father in Heaven, this child is scared. Her mama is sick and she can't help. We know you love her and her mama more than any of us know and we are grateful for Your loving touch on her mama's body that it may be restored to Your desire. We thank You for comforting, encouraging, and guiding her and her family, along with all the medical staff as they search for the best way to manage. We are also grateful that all we have to do is ask, ICN, amen.

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  26. you are an inspiration. good times and bad. thinking of you and wishing, praying and hoping the best for you and your mama. Sending good and positive energy your way. God bless you. And know that you have a sisterhood supporting you throughout the world.

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  27. The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? -Psalm 27:1

    From one military wife to another...don't you dare feel like you are letting anyone down! You are on the other side of the world (I know because I am on the middle of the ocean, right next to you!) while your husband is away, and you are worried about your mom, whom is temporarily out of reach. It is a struggle that not many understand. But you are doing a FABULOUS job and don't forget it.

    While I look forward to your blog posts every day, I do understand that your #1 job is wife/mom/daughter/sister! And if you don't take care of that job then none of the rest of it matters. Take time to focus on your family, do what you can from a distance, and give it over to a gracious God that loves us, and knows us better than we know ourselves. He already has this for you. He already knows what that phone call will bring and most importantly He loves you above all else! You are in my thoughts and prayers today. Praying the Lord's blessings upon you and your family.

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  28. I struggle with my own world now. My amazingly strong dad is struggling with numerous health issues now. My mom and dad are selling their home and everything in it, except a few personal items they have given us kids. I only live 2 blocks away from my parents and that sometimes feels like a globe away. The feelings you are feeling are normal and natural. Your mom knows how very much you love her and what you are wanting to do right now is give her the comfort you have always found in her. I promise it will be alright. Do whatever you can to find peace within yourself now. Call, write, send photos, or whatever you can to reach out. There will be someone on the other end to help her to hear and see them. Her goal in life (and I always look at what I want to achieve in life as a mother) is to raise my children to be strong and independent, so they can survive without me when my time comes or when it is time for them to self-succeed. Your mother has succeeded and I am sure she finds peace in her heart and mind knowing you are all well taken care of and have beautiful people in your life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that watching our parents grow older and witnessing the changes that age bring is so very difficult sometimes, but we can do this and we will do it together as best we can. I hope this helps in some small way along with my prayers for you and your family.

    Now about the blog. You are not letting anyone down by taking care of your family and your heart. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of anyone or anything else. Please take all the time you need to help your mother and yourself. You are an amazing person and friend. Thank you for all you do for others, but now it is time to do for YOU!! Take care and let US, your blog followers, to hold you up and inspire you!!! You share your thoughts, heart, happiness or pain with us anytime you feel so inspired. You will always reach at least another heart along the way in anything you share. Take care and please put you first...we need you to do that for us! God Bless You!!

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  29. No one who has ever hurt over a loved one would find fault with you for putting aside the less important for the most important. So toss that false guilt! Praying you will feel the presence of the Good Shepherd as you walk in this shadowy valley.

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  30. Super big hugs! We should be the furthest thing from your mind right now. You rock, we all love you and this blog and anyone who can't understand what you're going through just simply isn't worth worrying about anyway. Love to you, your mom and your family. Praying for good news and lots of peace for all your hearts. Keep us posted with updates on your mom when you get a chance, but definitely don't stress about us... We'll all be here when you need us!

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  31. I am so grateful for the strength that you have to be able to write! Please know that you are being lifted up along with your precious mother, in prayer as I write this! GOD's word tells us, Do not worry about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~Phillipians 4:6
    Blessings!!!

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  32. Oh M! I hate that you are so far away and feeling so sad.

    Life exists beyond our blogs. We will all be here when you are ready. Take care of yourself and your family.

    sending lots of hugs from VA.

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  33. Thank you for being honest and authentic! When I don't know what to pray I just say "Help"! My mom is a two time cancer survivor and I know what it is like to wait for the results, not knowing, or finding out and wondering why God would allow this. Just yell, scream, cry out to Him! He knows, he understands, His Son was murdered - He knows pain and anguish! You don't have to have the words, he knows your heart, mind and soul. The fact that you are reaching and praying to Him at this time is precious, He loves you! Praying for you and your family...

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  34. Don't feel alone. I have something little that might cheer you up. Send me an email with your address, I know Japan is like crazy far, but I get a good deal on postage! We understand completely! :-)
    monalisafair@gmail.com
    Praying for you-
    Ashleigh

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  35. Blessings to you and your family. God knew about this long before you did, and He has everything planned. Say a prayer...send your love...your Mom knows how much you love her. She didn't forget that. Prayers going up for all your family in this time of uncertainty and separation. God bless you.

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  36. Love and prayers are with you. I can't imagine my life without my parents either. It is so hard to get to this point in life when we realize our parents are the older generation and we are our parent's generation now. If that makes sense. Anyway, when I turned 39, three years ago I realized I it may be my time to take care of things. How was I going to do that?? I am the oldest. My dad almost died and it was a hard reality to face. He is okay now and I hope your mom will be too. I pray that God will give you direction and peace. I am sorry you are dealing with this! Life is so hard sometimes.
    Tammy Whitehead

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  37. Hoping and praying for you and yours. Find strength in your Heavenly Father. He will comforts and provides for us in ways we can't even fully comprehend. Sometimes it's only in the midst of a struggle or challenge that we begin to realize just how close He really is. And then how quickly we forget! He knows you. He loves you. And while YOU can't be there with your mother right now, rest assured that He is.

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  38. I am sending prayers and hugs to you all the way from Wyoming. You take care of you right now and the things in your life that need you the most. This can wait. This can always wait. I hope that you can be free of guilt and know that we all support and back you 100% and be here waiting for you when your ready. Hang in there, girl! Lots of love headed your way.
    Emily

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  39. Sending Prayers and loving healing thoughts to you and your sweet mama . . all the way from a tiny town in Indiana.
    Just went through a very scary time with my own mother so I know the knot in the pit of your stomach and the worry and tears and the fear. Hang in there, send your mama your love, that's the most important thing . . no matter what.
    And don't worry about the blog . . or us . . we understand! We'll be here whenever you are ready to talk and share again . . or to just be "you".

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  40. I am praying for your mom! Please keep us posted. You do not have to worry about disappointing anyone because you're not!! This site is a wonderful blessing to many and it's great, but you really shouldn't ever feel that you are letting anyone down. Stuff happens, people need to take care of their priorities. Work can wait. And we can too.

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  41. Sending you hugs and love at this difficult time.

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  42. You are in my thoughts and prayers...

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  43. Sending thoughts and prayers your way, for you, your Mom, and family. You have such a strong network of friends here, that aren't going anywhere. Now is the time to concentrate on family. I wish you all the best.

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  44. You are your BEAUTIFUL mom are in our thoughts and prayers! <3 Katie & Angie {PCB}

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  45. I am keeping your mother in my prayers. We are all human and know that life happens. Everything isn't always design and roses. Thanks for sharing your deep and personal feelings/emotions. Family is the most important thing!

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  46. Oh wow, thanks for sharing. Sending prayers!

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  47. I only started reading your blog a few months ago, but was so touched by your honest and heart-wrenching post that I feel compelled to comment. You have every right to drop everything, especially this blog, and comfort yourself and your family in the way you need. Your mom, you, and your family will be in my prayers. And I also pray that your guilt will be relieved as it sounds like you are a loving, caring, amazing daughter, mother, and wife with no need to feel guilty. With love and hugs from one daughter/mother/wife to another.

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  48. Please know that you are not letting any readers down. Your family is what is most important. We're so sorry for what you are going through and wish there was some way we could help. Sending love from our family to yours.

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  49. Wow. I am crying with you. I can't imagine how you feel. But I hope you don't feel alone anymore. I hope you know how much all of us photogs love you, wish we could hug you even if we really don't know you and will absolutely be praying for you and your mother today. More than that though I hope that through your prayers you have found some peace and that you feel God's love for you and your family and that with that you will find the strength you need to get through this trial. If tomorrow comes and it doesn't all go away though...fly home. Rely on friends to look after your children and get home. That way you have no regrets. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you have felt our love for you.

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  50. I'm sitting here, reading this and crying. I know exactly how you are feeling.. Alzheimer's can be a very long goodbye, and journey that is so difficult to walk thru. I just lost my dad to it, this past May, and my mom.. it will be two years in Dec. since she died from it.
    My only thoughts for you are this.. LOVE hard...you won't understand everything that is happening, and the changes that are happening to your mom...but remember she doesn't have control over any of it.. the mood changes, the fears, the anxiety's.. the sadness..JUST love her thru it..It is the greatest gift you can give her.
    I believe now.. that even though pts with Alzheimer's, and those type diseases, sometimes cannot speak, or respond..they DO hear, and know, somehow they KNOW..that they are loved..and looking back.. that's all that matters I think. People didn't think we should be there for my parents after a certain point, because they didn't appear to know us.. but out of love and respect, and wanting to HONOR them, even thru this awful disease.. we were there.
    Allow yourself this time of grief.. and allow yourself, and your family to be helped...and most of all.. just hug your mom...say what you need to say NOW..have those conversations..tell her what is on your heart....and just LOVE her..
    hugs from NH.. you will be in our thoughts and prayers...

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  51. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Please know I'm thinking of you and your family and praying for the best. Family always comes first - please never feel the need to apologize!

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